Tragedies and lessons

Notions of love are usually lofty, airy, and dreamy. It’s no wonder when things go awry – we see it as a tragedy.

This is the most accurate disposition in my own life. I had to peel back four unhealthy relationships, to go back to the source of my pain, to find my heart again, only to find that my love doesn’t love me anymore. I took just a few months too long it seems.

Timing. Timing is another bitch. 

Even a friend of mine told me she hadn’t heard me mention this guy’s name in the four years she’s known me. Well, that’s avoiding pain for you!

I’m learning how to manage pain in a healthy way. I can’t let anymore time go by wasted.

I’m going to be 35 come this July. That sounds so old. I’ve taken so much time to get this clarity in my life. It’s not easy when your earthly father is an enemy, and every single person who comes in has to be filtered in a way that says, “Can I fundamentally trust this person? Is this person good for me?” The worst part is that I didn’t even realize my father was an enemy until last year – so no wonder my cues and direction have been so winding, not yielding fruit.

Sick people are going to be sick until they get the help they need. That’s just the way it is. And no amount of duty or respect can get them to change. No amount of love or effort can make them heal. You cannot love their pain out of them. Only they can love themselves out of the pain. They have to come to God for that, who is the source of Love.

I speak from experience. It’s taken me two years of self-love (the real stuff, not the escapist version) to get to this point. I found myself this past music week, and although my love could not wait for me any longer, and that pains me so much sometimes, I got me back. And I’m not adding to the chaos and confusion anymore.

Bad fathers are a root of unrest in this world. I’m a big believer in that. However, just as the past century has been an Age of Women, I believe an Age of Men is coming. A world that is full of compassionate, whole, strong men who will be not only the physical protectors, but the spiritual protectors that women and families need as well.

Love is a fragile thing, a gift that needs to be covered at all costs. Physical & spiritual development is the price of this protection, and soon people, both men and women, will understand that.

I believe part of my failing in my loving relationship was not having God be a part of it. I don’t think I prayed much when we were together. We had little protection from the sources that try to destroy love. And guess what? The enemy took that one.

I could perhaps have three children by now and been around the world with my partner in crime. But the enemy got in, and ultimately tore us apart before our brains had even fully developed. 

I miss him. I miss me when I was with him. It was a really good feeling. A sense of security and home. Like I found my person in this universe who understood my tastes in music and could stay out all night like me. Of course I’m remembering the good…and it feels like it should have stayed that way.

No control techniques, no prioritizing parties over our relational foundational needs. Just home.

We all need that person that makes us feel like we’re home. Home is a feeling. And this was the person that had given me that special feeling. And I’ve been away for a long time and now he’s not here.

So I get to do what a lot of women do, keep going. Have Faith in a power greater than myself. Don’t get overwhelmed by thoughts of the future. Keep praying. Be grateful. If it’s meant to be, it will be.

What is for me cannot pass me by IF I do these things.