Accepting what is
Shitty door experiences, bad lighting, people who can’t help but be mean.
It’s these moments of displeasure that call us to higher thinking, higher being.
I seem to carry scars that perhaps most single 30-something-year-olds carry.
I’ve gained and I’ve lost. Sometimes it’s like being lost at sea. Most of the time it feels that way, especially when past experiences say it’s best.
I’m trying to heal my mind from emotional abuse. I’m trying to disconnect my ex from my fabulous music experiences. I’m not there yet, but it’s getting better.
He’s just like my mom anyways. Isn’t funny we attract people like our parents?
I may be insane. I desire function, stability, and a healthy love. And I perhaps come to the most dysfunctional places, hoping to meet another nerd like me. Who just likes house music, who can treat me right. No codependency. No narcissism. Just secure attachment seeking secure attachment.
I’m at Do Not Sit tonight for Steve Lawler’s monthly residency. He’s fresh from Ibiza and the sounds are very Tulum-ish. I’ve been catching him since 2006 on Space Terrace; he’s an OG. There was no “Tulum music” back then lol
It’s 2am and it’s getting better. Maybe that’s just it. When you hit low, in anything, there’s a big chance, everything is going to get better; somehow, someway, it has to get better.
I’m coming out of 12 years of shit…and I’m not drinking. That helps.
I still wish life had gone differently. I am beginning to see that there was no other path than the one that happened.
I’m rooting for the future. In my spiritual practice, I was told, “I haven’t forgotten you.”
And so I wait. I patiently wait and persevere for the best life that I deserve – full of health, goodness, joy, accountability, communication, growth.
How do I meet another house head with these qualities? Perhaps it’s through my business. Not through my employees, but through business partners.
It is hard not to think of the past. I deserve better. Pray for me.