Questing

The real quest in life is really to find one’s self, become one’s best version.

Maybe Miami ideology says differently, between the emphasis on looks, money, and status. Ha, perhaps that’s the irony. I had a Miami love and was tricked into thinking something else could be better, could be easier.

Nothing is better than love. The real stuff, not the lust, not the comfort, not the illusion of it, here today, gone tomorrow.

Love is work. This includes loving one’s self.

I’m becoming a bit more withdrawn on my internal circumstances. But I do think it’s important to note that we ought to have joy in our lives.

Real joy.

I review the past four significant interactions w my ex and they’ve had more or less disastrous consequences. Verbally hurt, emotionally neglected, then absent, and then opened to and quickly shut down. It sounds pretty awful for two people that loved one another. Like we keep cross-firing without intending to.

I remember a real moment in breaking w my twin flame, and his reply was, “It brings more pain than joy.”

I don’t want to cause pain, to myself or to others. So if the Universe has said, “Let go,” I’m letting go. It’s too much to fight God.

We did have one positive interaction in the past year at lunch, and he was still so loving and open to having me in his life. But I wasn’t ready to trust. I feel like I could use his support and motivation these days. Like I didn’t realize what I had when he was offering it. Foolish.

And so the timing just feels awful. And I’m tired of feeling awful. I’m a pretty awesome person at the end of the day. I was actually on such a good vibe Friday of music week, my heart soared and expanded so much.

That’s the version I’m trying to get back to. But I know somehow I’m changed. And I can’t quite put my finger on it. And there’s no going back, only forward.

I’m trying to honor my past without getting stuck in it. I can’t change 11 years of behavior, but I can look forward, and say, I’m not going to be that person anymore.

I deserve peace and happiness. And I need to go back to that, now that I’ve looped w a soulmate.

Soulmates are strange, huh?

There’s only one left that I’d really be open to trying things with. But the way is shut.

So maybe there is a new soulmate…but honestly, with the rapid evolution since music week, I need a break. Just a tune into my office decoration project, maybe get some highlights – I feel like its a new era.

No more pain. Only gain. I love you. Thank you for listening.