MMW: A Spiritual Discourse
When they say house music is a spiritual thing, this week is the epitome of that expression.
This week was a spiritual journey. For me, it was about love, reclaiming one’s identity, and seeing things for what they are.
The past six days, I have connected on so many layers with other people and myself. I have also discerned how I am different. I have accepted who I am amongst the myriad of people. I know who I am, which is perhaps the beautiful part of this story.
The journey goes as follows:
Day 1 – Magnetic vibes
Day 2 – FUN
Day 3 – Losing one’s self to music & life
Day 4 – Tears
Days 5 – Sharing and experiencing joy
Day 6 – More tears, and concrete resolution.
I’m so proud of myself because loving house music can be seen as shameful. And I’m not ashamed to be a part of this lifestyle. This is who I am.
Why shameful? I’m sure because it is associated with a lot of activity not deemed appropriate by society – late hours, drinking & drugging, and a longing question that begs – where does all of this go?
The truth is, we’re all on our path making our way in this lifetime. And dancing with others is such an ancestral, tribal part of our nature. It’s perhaps one of the few artworks we still cherish as an ongoing community. The music has always been there.
I’m so proud of myself because I got back to a version of myself that I perhaps lost a long time ago. I reached out to my ex-boyfriend who showed me a world wide-open back when Avicii was just getting started. Yes, that was a long time ago.
I abandoned myself. I became “serious” with a finance career- and that was the start of my health issues. I have been searching, longing to find my way back to True North since I was 24.
I was ready to start again with him – 10 years later for the first time. Fresh and mature. The truth is though, the timing is wrong. He has a recent girlfriend. He is happy. He loves me. He cannot show me though.
And while this hurts, because there was such purity of expression in a week like this week, I wake up Day 7 on the Day of Rest – proud of myself. I am so frickin’ proud. Some people go a lifetime without ever really going for what they truly want.
I went for it. In a way, as a hurt little girl I would have never done for myself. I was ready to accept an imperfect human being (because we’re all that) and open my heart to a life meant for me. It was the purest expression of love.
I have to accept that he can’t give me that, not now. But I know I WAS READY. My heart is back in the spot it should have always been. Not chasing a world around, based on illusions, out of hurt and self-abandonment. For me, this relationship I had was the realest thing I have ever had.
I envisioned all of it this week. The house, the kids, the dog, the wedding in Mallorca, the honeymoon in Ibiza, many things my heart has been wanting for a very long time, even when I was with him in those early years of the 2010’s. (The Mallorca/Ibiza was a new thought lol)
In the end, the relationship we have with ourselves is the relationship we will hold the longest. Do not abandon. Do not give up. Keep searching True North. And the compass of your God-given soul will lead you in that direction.
We need God. We need ourself. We need to be with those that help us embrace and love those aspects of ourselves. I was so ready to put it all in. To come back to Victoria. To be with the person that is best for her.
And she’s here. Hello, world! And one day, it will be with someone who gets me, who is good for me.
To all from my past I have treated with contempt or foolishness or malice or hatefulness or neglect, my heart wants you to know I am doing my best.
Two years of “doing the work,” has brought me to a MMW unlike any other.
Last year was so different compared to this year. I wonder how next year will be. Anything is possible. Stay well.
On another note, my dog chewed up my Jimmy Choo sunglasses from last night! lol Some causualities bound to happen. Love you guys.