Self-Abandonment against the Music

I am going through a soul retrieval. I self-abandoned by neglecting the music a very long time ago, and the people that went with it. Luckily, I still have some friends from the culture, new and old. I am missing my love, though. The only man I’ve truly loved. Because love is not about receiving, it is about giving. And with him, I was in it for long-term giving.

However, being young and foolish can mess some things up. The truth is I wasn’t ready to accept all of who I am, and thus, not all of who another person is. Sometimes I fear I am too late. At other times, I feel like I am right on course. After 11 years of neglecting aspects of myself, specifically my heart, I am learning how to nurture and take care of myself. I can now honor who I am, and communicate what it is that I need.

After not feeling feelings for 11 years, I am somewhat in a canyon of it, floating up and down through different layers of emotions, traversing side to side. This is a lot. But I also feel very blessed. I was a void and now I am human again. In many ways, I feel like a new-born.

I know I’ve caused people turmoil over the years. I can best explain it by saying that I was at war with the world. I found a man who gave me softness and tenderness, laughs and all-nighters. But in the end, I had deeper issues to resolve. I didn’t have the foresight, healing, and maturity that I have now.

I’m doing great, but this sucks. This is my third heartbreak in three years, without anything being received. Heartbreak comes from vulnerability, not necessarily being given love. So yeah, my heart has been through the ringer. I thought I was trusting the right man for me. He made it seem that way. Is this a test of love? Or is this a red flag? I wonder when someone good will come into my life who is ready to give to me and grant me my wildest/realistic dreams.

“Treat yourself,” an angel said to me once, during one of my rock-bottoms. I’ll never forget that. I’ve been treating myself for two years. I had a lot of joy Friday night at the Paradise party and I just felt like my life was ready to expand to that next layer of including someone in my joy. For fun, let’s call him Mr. Big. I reached out to Mr. Big, who has a big heart. And sometimes I wonder if I’ve caused pain enough for him to not seek out our love again. I hope that is not the case. I’ve had many people give me affirmations the past week, including “You’re a catch” and “you’re amazing.” I even got the nickname, “Sound Queen.” But I think the root of relational issues comes down to the very nature of unhealed pain. In many ways, I believe if Mr. Big and I could come together and love each other again, our love could help heal the world.

Someone once told me that every soul has its own curriculum. I have certainly had my own, sometimes with him and sometimes without. God has continued to bring us into each other’s lives all this time. And I’m assured, when I tap into my higher-consciousness, that whatever curriculum is at hand, it is both for our greater good.

Time to make some tea, do my nails, and watch a movie. Happy MMW recovery weekend. Treat yourself.