The big epiphany

Here’s a plot twist: what if the love of your life is spiritually unwell?

A secular term for this might look like alcoholic, addict, psychopath, narcissist.

I think I am grieving the good man in his soul, but I’m also being reminded of the demons that haunt him.

I’m not saying he is these things, but what has been evident since the time we were 7 and a half months dating, is his confusion. I wrote in my journal, “Sometimes, I can’t tell when Mr. Big is telling the truth and when he’s lying.”

When does Mr. Big Heart become Mr. Big Liar? It’s called spiritual illness, or a secular term, insecurity. We can only gain our security from a Higher Power. I’m a firm believer in that. Everything else is too hard. Life is hard enough, and almost impossible without God.

It’s not just about tragedies and lessons – this is about Truth.

They say the pain will leave us when we’ve learned the lesson. I’d like to amend that. I think the pain leaves us once we learn the Truth.

And I’m not criticizing people. Like I’ve attested, life is hard! It’s taken me over a decade to gain this clarity. And I met him with clarity this past music week and the weeks that have followed. With my pure and honest heart. For the first time in 11 years.

I’m so proud of myself.

There’s that adage though that says, “Guard your heart!” Confusion can be so insidious. We meet Mr. Big Heart – the one I committed to at 6 months mutually exchanging words at 22 years old, “You’re the one” – telling me he loved me and that he’s never loved anyone else like me – to Mr. Big Liar, telling me less than 48 hours later, “I’ve moved on.” 

What?! Lies. One way or another, there is certainly a lie. 

Then the Cruelty. Knee-jerking of the heart.

I’m so happy for my wisdom. And take it from someone who knows, a person can only be as honest with others as he or she is with him- or herself.

I’ve forgiven him already. But my quest and expansion for love is real and ongoing.

I still want the vision. God gifted it to me. The partner at Factory Town, the kids, the house, the honeymoon in Ibiza. 

You might be asking, what does this have to do with Miami Music? Well, if you’re cut from the same cloth, you do indeed believe that house music is a spiritual thing. And the people we love through the music is elevated to a special place. It’s spiritual, alright.

And even house music love for someone else can’t cure someone. He or she has to do it for him- or herself. I was ready to pour so much love over the past 11 years that I’ve missed with him. And God said, nope. Save that.

So I’m waiting. Patiently waiting. That’s my big epiphany.

Gorgon City tonight at DAER nightclub. I’m ready to celebrate this newfound wisdom. Cheers!